A pastor friend of mine posted a prayer request on facebook a few days ago asking prayer for a young man in his church who had been in an accident. The young man was driving a tractor trailer for his work, and a car pulled in front of him. He was unable to avoid hitting the car, and the driver of the car was killed. My friend said the young man "had a load of guilt and pain." I understood, because I have experienced that guilt and pain as well.
In 2005, I was asked by my friends Tommy and Stefanie to care for their newborn son Joseph. He had been born prematurely, and Tommy and Stefanie didn't want to place him in a daycare setting for this reason. And, since our son Jack had been born 10 weeks early, I was uniquely suited to care for their precious firstborn. Stefanie and I had always been like family. Our parents had lived next door to each other my entire life. I was thrilled for the opportunity, and our children Olivia and Jack were very excited about having a baby in our home to love.On October 18, the unimaginable happened. I had laid Joseph down for his nap right before feeding our children lunch. After lunch and before putting Olivia and Jack down for their naps, I checked on Joseph. I found that Joseph had passed away in our crib while napping. I instantly started CPR and called 911, but there was nothing I could do to breathe life back into his little body. The hardest phone call I have ever had to make was to call and tell Tommy that something was wrong with Joseph and that I didn't know if he would be alright. Seeing Tommy and Stefanie's indescribable heartache and grief gave me such a helpless feeling. And I felt the waves of guilt and pain and doubt roll over me. Why didn't I realize something was wrong? They trusted me. I failed them. This is all my fault.....
BUT Jesus.
In the days that followed, Jesus comforted me in countless ways. Tommy and Stefanie were selfless, compassionate, and gracious toward me in the midst of processing their own heartache. They showed me love and mercy so great that the only explanation for this is that God gave them the strength and grace needed to face each new day. I was surrounded by family and friends who supported me in my weakness. And Jesus used the loving honesty of my husband to remind me, "If you make this about what you were unable to do, then it makes you Big and God small. But, if you make this about what God did, then it makes you small and God Big."
You see, this is Joseph's story. It's Tommy and Stefanie's story. And it's mine as well. But, more than anything else, it is a story about Jesus. About His plan for our lives. About His ability to use a baby just shy of 4 months old to bring about His will and purposes in the lives of others. It's about the lessons He taught us all through loving and losing Joseph.I found out I was expecting Josiah just shortly after Joseph's death. I can look back and see how God used Joseph to teach me valuable lessons about His plan for our lives, about trusting Him to bring beauty even out of the ashes of our lives. And, when I feel the waves of guilt and pain and doubt sweep over me concerning the many "what ifs" in my own son's life, I am reminded that God is Big and I am small.
“Life is but a Weaving”
(the Tapestry Poem)
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